i've had plenty of time for contemplation which has landed me here writing this blog. seems strange that the last time I wrote from this location I called it home, now i'm merely a visitor. life has been oddly wonderful and oddly strange in the last few weeks and I can hardly recognize any resemblences to pre-italy life. amazing what a few new experiences can do to you. I don't say that lightly either because life has handed me a stack of changes, some expected others not.
I don't desire to go into any deep of the happenings in my life as of late: mainly to protect the not-so and innocent. what I can say about recent happenings is that I've been left feeling "sucker punched" in the gut. it has made me seek comfort and peace from a familar place but even that relationship has evolved to something new. the comfort I find is that God continues to quiet my heart and teach me thru my circumstances. these have not been easy or painless lessons. in fact, I can't really remember the last I felt this way. its not easy to navigate through uncharted waters....yet, that is where I find myself. as always, I remain positive but can't seem to escape a sinking feeling about certain situations: call it intuition, call it knowledge, call it nothing at all. shifts are inevitable. the courage I once had to delve into the deep appears to be failing me now in hesitation. my fault in that thought is that emotions are fleeting and there is courage to be found in foundations laid strong not in the emotional throes of life. it's easier to be tossed around in the wake of circumstances instead of lowering the anchors from deep within our spirits giving way to stability. being tossed around always leads to disorientation and "sickness." but anchoring allows us to maintain the course and provides stability. it is the harder choice but when the storm subsides we will find ourselves where we should be and not shipwrecked with Gilligan and the crew on a deserted island. that's where I find comfort and peace knowing i'm safe in God's hands.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
unexpected
this piece is going to be a bit abstract. bear with me.
kinda of funny since I had a conversation with a close friend about that. how she can read my blog and know what i'm talking about even though i'm not directly addressing something or seem to not say much at all. cracks me up but its a good feeling to know i'm loved and known that well.
so plans changed...story of my life! i tend not to stress about these things because more than too often they tend to lead to some pretty incredible adventures. not to mention that this happens often. you think you're doing one thing to be thrown into a reverse direction. flexibility...its the running theme of the summer.
meeting with friends (new and old) has been such a huge blessing in my life. i've laughed so much over the course of this summer and have had so many great adventures...from the fiasco hotel in florence to change of plans on a boardwalk. its been neat to see God making connections to lessons from several months ago with revelation in recent weeks. its like the light bulb goes off and i say to myself...oh so now i get it. ok so i dont feel like the brightest cookie in the box about then...but sometimes it takes things a little while to soak in or to realize.
its like a john piper sermon...you hear it and now he's delivering an incredible message but sometimes it takes some life experiences to really know the application of his words. its only after time has passed and you've walked through whatever you needed to that you finally say...man, i get what he was saying.
that's been my whole summer. its a relief cause i felt like i had been wandering this barren desert with no relief in site. i mean i knew that was a lie about the "relief in site" part. but i thought when is this season gonna be over cause its not very comfortable. and just when i thought it was never going to end..poof...the new season was upon me.
and it had arrived prior to my realization. that's how i began my trip to italy/greece...walking into this new time in my life. it was kinda confusing kinda confounding...but i stayed the course to trust what i know best and that is that God is always with us, never leaves us, and always works things out for our good even when it may not seem so. (trust me on that one).
so yeah....all of the time i've spent with some of my fav people in the last few weeks has been just...beyond words. i cant even begin to describe what fellowship can do for the soul. hence all the crying, laughter, and potential peeing in my pants-ness...probably not something you want to know but hey...i also almost spewed drink out all over my friend. luckily i caught myself and its happened on more than one occassion. (aye!)
right down to time with bert, jenn, joey, and dawn. its been amazing to see so many old friends and to watch their families grow...or to see how they've changed for the better. like my bro Bert...who never stops making fun of me. love that kid...and still prayin for his son, Aaron, who's recovering from surgery. he has some of the strongest faith of people i know...and yet like the bro he is to me...he can still make wise cracks at my expense...glad i know that he loves me in Jesus otherwise...lol
i was glad Joey and Dawn joined us! super huge blessing and man...they crack me up (well Joey for sure). it was good to reminisce and laugh and joke...and yes lunch was good too. my girls breakfast rawked too. i mean nelda and kristy...that's all i gotta say! BRam thanks for the pizza! as always it was enlightening...there are a few other's i did not get to see...i'm sad but if i receive the news i'm hoping for in the next few days then that could quickly be alieviated. we will see...
just when i think things cant get any crazier...life changes things up. dont worry, its all good stuff just unexpected. but i'm looking forward to take some risks and delving into new stuff. in alot of ways i feel like im returning to my old self but in a newer light. life takes you through some interesting roads but all for the better.
kinda of funny since I had a conversation with a close friend about that. how she can read my blog and know what i'm talking about even though i'm not directly addressing something or seem to not say much at all. cracks me up but its a good feeling to know i'm loved and known that well.
so plans changed...story of my life! i tend not to stress about these things because more than too often they tend to lead to some pretty incredible adventures. not to mention that this happens often. you think you're doing one thing to be thrown into a reverse direction. flexibility...its the running theme of the summer.
meeting with friends (new and old) has been such a huge blessing in my life. i've laughed so much over the course of this summer and have had so many great adventures...from the fiasco hotel in florence to change of plans on a boardwalk. its been neat to see God making connections to lessons from several months ago with revelation in recent weeks. its like the light bulb goes off and i say to myself...oh so now i get it. ok so i dont feel like the brightest cookie in the box about then...but sometimes it takes things a little while to soak in or to realize.
its like a john piper sermon...you hear it and now he's delivering an incredible message but sometimes it takes some life experiences to really know the application of his words. its only after time has passed and you've walked through whatever you needed to that you finally say...man, i get what he was saying.
that's been my whole summer. its a relief cause i felt like i had been wandering this barren desert with no relief in site. i mean i knew that was a lie about the "relief in site" part. but i thought when is this season gonna be over cause its not very comfortable. and just when i thought it was never going to end..poof...the new season was upon me.
and it had arrived prior to my realization. that's how i began my trip to italy/greece...walking into this new time in my life. it was kinda confusing kinda confounding...but i stayed the course to trust what i know best and that is that God is always with us, never leaves us, and always works things out for our good even when it may not seem so. (trust me on that one).
so yeah....all of the time i've spent with some of my fav people in the last few weeks has been just...beyond words. i cant even begin to describe what fellowship can do for the soul. hence all the crying, laughter, and potential peeing in my pants-ness...probably not something you want to know but hey...i also almost spewed drink out all over my friend. luckily i caught myself and its happened on more than one occassion. (aye!)
right down to time with bert, jenn, joey, and dawn. its been amazing to see so many old friends and to watch their families grow...or to see how they've changed for the better. like my bro Bert...who never stops making fun of me. love that kid...and still prayin for his son, Aaron, who's recovering from surgery. he has some of the strongest faith of people i know...and yet like the bro he is to me...he can still make wise cracks at my expense...glad i know that he loves me in Jesus otherwise...lol
i was glad Joey and Dawn joined us! super huge blessing and man...they crack me up (well Joey for sure). it was good to reminisce and laugh and joke...and yes lunch was good too. my girls breakfast rawked too. i mean nelda and kristy...that's all i gotta say! BRam thanks for the pizza! as always it was enlightening...there are a few other's i did not get to see...i'm sad but if i receive the news i'm hoping for in the next few days then that could quickly be alieviated. we will see...
just when i think things cant get any crazier...life changes things up. dont worry, its all good stuff just unexpected. but i'm looking forward to take some risks and delving into new stuff. in alot of ways i feel like im returning to my old self but in a newer light. life takes you through some interesting roads but all for the better.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
take me there...
i'm back to my old stompin' grounds and its so weird to be here after 7 yrs. hard to believe it's been that long but it has. so much has changed in san antonio but regardless of changes I think a part of my heart will always live here. so many lessons learned here along with relationships w /beautiful people. i'll be forever grateful for those folks who took me under their wings and taught me what they know or looked out for me.
there r so many memories so precious to me. i've gotten to spend time w/some of my fav people. tomorrow will be more of the same before heading out to houston. I wish I had more time here but that is just not the case!
my fam arrived tonight and we occupy to hotel rooms by the airport. the fam will head on to kemah - one of my cousins flies into hobby tonite.
i'm meeting up w/the "girls" tom morn for breakfast...nothing like girl time over pancakes and coffee! then lunch w/other friends before heading to friend's house in houston. will attend morning worship w/them (something i'm excited about). I really relish the opportunity in visiting a church. I love serving in my own church but sometime u need to be in a non-leading role...for me that's in worship because that's where I mainly serve.
over the course of the summer i've gotten a lot of encouragement to really consume myself in that area...strange but i've finally identified myself as a musician...
not sure what my time will be like but def want to hone in on that craft and skill. since i'll have the room...i also plan on setting up a mini studio at the new apt. pretty excited about that.
lots of great and hard stuff happening and still lots of decisions to be made. my only response is "peace." that's how I feel.
not worried bout what's to come just trying to soak in the moments and make them as best I can...working at improving the quality of my relationships. its completely a good thing.
there r so many memories so precious to me. i've gotten to spend time w/some of my fav people. tomorrow will be more of the same before heading out to houston. I wish I had more time here but that is just not the case!
my fam arrived tonight and we occupy to hotel rooms by the airport. the fam will head on to kemah - one of my cousins flies into hobby tonite.
i'm meeting up w/the "girls" tom morn for breakfast...nothing like girl time over pancakes and coffee! then lunch w/other friends before heading to friend's house in houston. will attend morning worship w/them (something i'm excited about). I really relish the opportunity in visiting a church. I love serving in my own church but sometime u need to be in a non-leading role...for me that's in worship because that's where I mainly serve.
over the course of the summer i've gotten a lot of encouragement to really consume myself in that area...strange but i've finally identified myself as a musician...
not sure what my time will be like but def want to hone in on that craft and skill. since i'll have the room...i also plan on setting up a mini studio at the new apt. pretty excited about that.
lots of great and hard stuff happening and still lots of decisions to be made. my only response is "peace." that's how I feel.
not worried bout what's to come just trying to soak in the moments and make them as best I can...working at improving the quality of my relationships. its completely a good thing.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
the plot thickens
this quick trip finds me back in LBK...my future home.
i had to make a quick run-thru my new apt and finish up the last minute paperwork. i got to see the actual apartment and i think i'm going to be very comfortable there.
also..the bigger news...i'd gotten a pretty important phone call a few weeks and had been playing phone tag before finally setting up an interview for a job! yes..that's right. a job and not a part-time oh how nice you work job. its a you need a degree/experience job. so, i'm also here for an interview.
my interview is at 2pm..so if you are reading this around then, say a prayer for me! will travel back to san angelo this afternoon in an effort to make it to a funeral service tonight (the cousin of an old friend of mine). will be going with my dad as he also knows the family.
ok...hope you're having a great day!
i had to make a quick run-thru my new apt and finish up the last minute paperwork. i got to see the actual apartment and i think i'm going to be very comfortable there.
also..the bigger news...i'd gotten a pretty important phone call a few weeks and had been playing phone tag before finally setting up an interview for a job! yes..that's right. a job and not a part-time oh how nice you work job. its a you need a degree/experience job. so, i'm also here for an interview.
my interview is at 2pm..so if you are reading this around then, say a prayer for me! will travel back to san angelo this afternoon in an effort to make it to a funeral service tonight (the cousin of an old friend of mine). will be going with my dad as he also knows the family.
ok...hope you're having a great day!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
my life...a willie nelson song...
a friend of mine said my life is like a willie nelson song..i'm assuming its "on the road again."
i haven't blogged in a few days but lots has gone on. i left Lubbock and was a little scared about the weeks to come. i mean, the move finally upon on us...it is here...its happening..there's no turning back. at the same time, i also realized that everything is going to be ok. i left Lubbock with a soon-to-be peaceful feeling. i knew i needed to pray through some stuff and just sit and listen...be still and wait to receive whatever it was i was looking for.
the drives have been long but they've been what i needed. moments to reflect and moments to come to necessary understandings. i've written that nothing about this year has been normal and i suspect that it will be more of the same this coming year.
i left lubbock to dallas where i stayed with one of my close friends from college and who is also one of my best friends, Ginia. it was great to visit with her and her husband and just sit and talk. we got to spend some time together fri morning (ginia and I) and did some shopping together. something happens when girls shop....can't explain it but its a strange sort of female bonding ritual. so it was good to reconnect...we had lunch and just got to share and i think it was good for both of us.
i reconnected with a friend from jr high and really enjoyed that conversation. its amazing how God can provide information and comfort in some of the most unexpected ways but more importantly it was good to hear how well she was doing and to hear her talk about her incredible family. i know she's got a tight-knit family and that was a blessing to hear all about the great things happening to and for them.
i then met up with my other best friend, Smange, and had dinner with her and two other good friends. then we watched silly movies that totally cracked me up. sometimes you need some silliness in your life. i mean...i laughed and totally felt at peace. i didnt get to spend much time visiting with Smange, made me a bit sad.
this morning i made the drive to austin. it was crazy, well traffic was crazy! but i got to austin and met another friend from jr high. had lunch with anthony and his wife Crystal and their daughter Zaria who is just adorable. i was so glad to visit with them and catch up on what was going on. we'd been playing visit tag for about a year! lol. i was glad to meet Zaria! she's the cutest thing...completely adorable and sooo a daddy's girl. so for me it was great to see my friends in parent-mode.
i then made the trek to my cousin's apt. it was awesome cause my cousin is attending Standford Law and is here working for the summer and her sister is also here visiting! so i got to visit with both my cousins that i dont get to see very often. so we made plans for later in the evening and i left to visit another friend from my past for coffee. coffee was great and conversation was even better...glad for the time with this friend. i think our visit was long over due.
so then i left to meet my cousins for dinner. we made our way to baby a's and dinner was good. i enjoyed visiting with the fam and my cousin's kids are adorable. they cracked me up. after we made our way to Amy's for ice cream i seriously did not need to eat. so i feel that KOA is in my immediate future (running). lol... i'm staying with my cousin so that's allowed us more time to visit which is awesome.
...that's a basic run through of the last few days.
all that to say that i've had some of the most amazing conversations. just encouraging in so many different ways. i can say that i've been extremely blessed with fellowship and have sensed alot of affirmation regarding the path and journey i've been on. it's done my heart alot of good.
my sis has also been on my heart. my mom left indiana and is on a train to texas. austin texas. so i'm waiting her for her arrival. i know she was a great comfort to my sis and now they are moving forward on their own.
so i.m praying for her constantly. and praying for the health of my bro-in-law. prayin they find the right person to care for their children...just praying for every aspect of their lives right now. so many changes...so many things to deal with.
the travel is not over with this trip. no...there's still next week and for part of that travel, i'll be accompanied by family. so i'm looking forward to it. i have not taken any pics though! i need and hopefully will remember to take some tomorrow!
the plans for tomorrow is to go to church with some close friends, Lori and Milton. i played (piano) in their wedding and just love them both so much. so it will be good to see them. i'll have lunch with them and then probably back to my cousins for a bit. will travel home after picking up my mom. my cousin is awesome with directions so she's really helped me alot!
i also do a walk through of my apt next week in lbk and have a JOB interview...yes that's right peoples...its time for me to go back to work. i know some of you are like huh?
well i've had the last year and some months off on account of school. how i managed without a job (cause im a workaholic at times) has been only the grace of Jesus...but i hear the steady grind of work calling my name! at least until law school...working would be a very good thing and help me stave off any student loans for my MBA.
as for law school...im at peace with going with the flow for now. so no clue what's going to happen or where i'm gonna end up...which could be just about anywhere. just to say - i'm completely open to whatever comes my way and where ever i'm led to. its a good feeling and a nice place to be.
so very excited about the next couple of weeks...life may be crazy and at times intense but as always God is good an as promised He's always faithful.
grateful for the amazing blessings of yesterday, today, and to come.
i haven't blogged in a few days but lots has gone on. i left Lubbock and was a little scared about the weeks to come. i mean, the move finally upon on us...it is here...its happening..there's no turning back. at the same time, i also realized that everything is going to be ok. i left Lubbock with a soon-to-be peaceful feeling. i knew i needed to pray through some stuff and just sit and listen...be still and wait to receive whatever it was i was looking for.
the drives have been long but they've been what i needed. moments to reflect and moments to come to necessary understandings. i've written that nothing about this year has been normal and i suspect that it will be more of the same this coming year.
i left lubbock to dallas where i stayed with one of my close friends from college and who is also one of my best friends, Ginia. it was great to visit with her and her husband and just sit and talk. we got to spend some time together fri morning (ginia and I) and did some shopping together. something happens when girls shop....can't explain it but its a strange sort of female bonding ritual. so it was good to reconnect...we had lunch and just got to share and i think it was good for both of us.
i reconnected with a friend from jr high and really enjoyed that conversation. its amazing how God can provide information and comfort in some of the most unexpected ways but more importantly it was good to hear how well she was doing and to hear her talk about her incredible family. i know she's got a tight-knit family and that was a blessing to hear all about the great things happening to and for them.
i then met up with my other best friend, Smange, and had dinner with her and two other good friends. then we watched silly movies that totally cracked me up. sometimes you need some silliness in your life. i mean...i laughed and totally felt at peace. i didnt get to spend much time visiting with Smange, made me a bit sad.
this morning i made the drive to austin. it was crazy, well traffic was crazy! but i got to austin and met another friend from jr high. had lunch with anthony and his wife Crystal and their daughter Zaria who is just adorable. i was so glad to visit with them and catch up on what was going on. we'd been playing visit tag for about a year! lol. i was glad to meet Zaria! she's the cutest thing...completely adorable and sooo a daddy's girl. so for me it was great to see my friends in parent-mode.
i then made the trek to my cousin's apt. it was awesome cause my cousin is attending Standford Law and is here working for the summer and her sister is also here visiting! so i got to visit with both my cousins that i dont get to see very often. so we made plans for later in the evening and i left to visit another friend from my past for coffee. coffee was great and conversation was even better...glad for the time with this friend. i think our visit was long over due.
so then i left to meet my cousins for dinner. we made our way to baby a's and dinner was good. i enjoyed visiting with the fam and my cousin's kids are adorable. they cracked me up. after we made our way to Amy's for ice cream i seriously did not need to eat. so i feel that KOA is in my immediate future (running). lol... i'm staying with my cousin so that's allowed us more time to visit which is awesome.
...that's a basic run through of the last few days.
all that to say that i've had some of the most amazing conversations. just encouraging in so many different ways. i can say that i've been extremely blessed with fellowship and have sensed alot of affirmation regarding the path and journey i've been on. it's done my heart alot of good.
my sis has also been on my heart. my mom left indiana and is on a train to texas. austin texas. so i'm waiting her for her arrival. i know she was a great comfort to my sis and now they are moving forward on their own.
so i.m praying for her constantly. and praying for the health of my bro-in-law. prayin they find the right person to care for their children...just praying for every aspect of their lives right now. so many changes...so many things to deal with.
the travel is not over with this trip. no...there's still next week and for part of that travel, i'll be accompanied by family. so i'm looking forward to it. i have not taken any pics though! i need and hopefully will remember to take some tomorrow!
the plans for tomorrow is to go to church with some close friends, Lori and Milton. i played (piano) in their wedding and just love them both so much. so it will be good to see them. i'll have lunch with them and then probably back to my cousins for a bit. will travel home after picking up my mom. my cousin is awesome with directions so she's really helped me alot!
i also do a walk through of my apt next week in lbk and have a JOB interview...yes that's right peoples...its time for me to go back to work. i know some of you are like huh?
well i've had the last year and some months off on account of school. how i managed without a job (cause im a workaholic at times) has been only the grace of Jesus...but i hear the steady grind of work calling my name! at least until law school...working would be a very good thing and help me stave off any student loans for my MBA.
as for law school...im at peace with going with the flow for now. so no clue what's going to happen or where i'm gonna end up...which could be just about anywhere. just to say - i'm completely open to whatever comes my way and where ever i'm led to. its a good feeling and a nice place to be.
so very excited about the next couple of weeks...life may be crazy and at times intense but as always God is good an as promised He's always faithful.
grateful for the amazing blessings of yesterday, today, and to come.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
crazy times
today my baby bro turned 30. the big 3-0...i was like, "where has time gone?" i remember just like it was yesterday playing in the backyard riding our bikes or eating holiday cookies. now, he's grown folk with a house of his very own. i have to say that i'm super proud of this kid. he's done quite well for himself and not just in the material sense but spiritually - i've seen alot of growth in him and am glad for the time we got to share together to celebrate this occassion.
so the drama of the day kept mounting...and culminated in some drastic actions. i cant get into details and it would not be very nice of me to do so - just to say that i became very angry by some things that were done and said. not angry for myself but angry for the injustices done to people i love. i'm a bit territorial that way.
had to pray more than once to keep from doing what my heart really wanted to do and keep my tongue from saying what it really wanted to say. i totally get what paul said about the things "he wants to do he does not do and the things he does not want to do, he does...'
i'll be glad for the drive tomorrow as it gives me an opportunity to sort through some things and pray heavily for some situations. one of those would include my mom's travel back to texas. i'll leave it at that - even though i'd really like to say more. oh jesus help me! no....
my mom will arrive in austin sun evening and i'll gladly collect her and return her home. i've missed her these last few weeks but i know my sister has needed her more during this time. i'm glad my mom took the initiative to travel to be with her. i think we've all learned the importance of family and what it means to us throughout this summer: its a beautifully painful lesson.
but you know to me, being family goes back to:
Philippians 2:3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
placing the interests of those you love above yourself... and not just those you love but others...all others. sometimes hard to do.
i've recently engaged in a stark reminder of my past and have had to face head-on situations i'd been avoided for a really long time. but now is the time to face them...and its the perfect time.
that's how God works...everything in His perfect timing.
over the last couple of weeks, i've had some pretty significant conversations that made me realize how desperate in need we are of God and of fellowship with one another - not janky, flaky, "sure i'll be there then nothing kinda fellowship - but genuine i love you as my brother/sister and want to share this with you" kinda fellowship.
i've been avoiding that connection for a while. not with the people currently in my life but in terms of adding people to my life. i've wanted to be safe and comfortable and selective in whom i chose to be close to me in my life.
i realize that's not an option now and really never was...i only thought it was. no...we are all connected and in need of seeing that love is genuine, its real, and its unconditional. it takes such different forms and is extended in different ways. from praying for someone to just smiling and giving a genuine greeting. hard to believe that something as small as that could turn someone's day around but i can say from personal experience that it is sometimes the most powerful thing.
my attempts to shelter myself from the "fakers" of familiar circles was inept and i found myself being sucked away by a negativism that continually drained me of any optimism i managed to muster.
however, all it took was an invitation, an opportunity, and a yes to turn it all around. i found myself surrounded by real people facing real struggles but very much determined to love and be genuine. yes they have faults, yes they are imperfect...but they are striving and reaching towards a goal of eternity. dont each of us deserve to be given grace because grace was given to us? that's my question to my inner-self.
from that moment, the hardness i've carried with me has slowly deteriorated. i cant say its completely gone but i can say that as it dissolves there is a new resolve and a new hope that replaces it.
it is only fitting given being on the brink and cusp of something new. there are alot of variables still unresolved regarding my future and my path. i'm not unnerved by those questions, i know it will all work out in the perfect timing...
my job is to keep forging ahead listening to the voice that beckons. it is a fine hour to be in. sometimes scary and sometimes uncertain...but i trust in what cannot be seen.
i realize this may all be a bit heavy but given the context of life in the last few days it is so very appropriate. i realize i've not made you privy to all the sorted details but lets say that its not been pretty for some of the closest people in my life. i dont understand why these loved ones are going through what they are going through...but i trust that there's something more to their experience and through it God would be God.
from my own life tragedies and triumphs i can say i know that He is who He promises to be and no matter where we go or what we do, He will always be there because His love is never failing.
people will fail us...churches will fail us...loved ones will fail us...but His love is perfect and never failing. i''m so completely grateful.
i managed to get things squared away with my apt complex to be..though i will need to make a trip back on tues. so much traveling! i'm sad to be leaving my bro but know i will soon be here more permanently. i am so very much looking forward to seeing old friends and best friends.
definitely a time to celebrate so many wonderful things happening in so many peoples lives.
tomorrow or today rather, i drive to dallas. i get to see two of my best friends....so very excited about that...but will write more about those details tomorrow.
just to say that when you think you cant possible grow anymore...life has way of surprising you.
i had the greatest conversation with my bro today. he was telling me how on a drive he realized that God was the living water and how often times you can tell when an area has lots of rain because the grass will grow rampantly and will be green and lush. that when the rain comes we need to give thanks because with it comes new growth. its appropriate that we will face storms and God will see us through but through them...God gives us nourishment we need to grow as people. so no matter the weather tomorrow...i'm determined to thank God for His nourishment and growth.
so the drama of the day kept mounting...and culminated in some drastic actions. i cant get into details and it would not be very nice of me to do so - just to say that i became very angry by some things that were done and said. not angry for myself but angry for the injustices done to people i love. i'm a bit territorial that way.
had to pray more than once to keep from doing what my heart really wanted to do and keep my tongue from saying what it really wanted to say. i totally get what paul said about the things "he wants to do he does not do and the things he does not want to do, he does...'
i'll be glad for the drive tomorrow as it gives me an opportunity to sort through some things and pray heavily for some situations. one of those would include my mom's travel back to texas. i'll leave it at that - even though i'd really like to say more. oh jesus help me! no....
my mom will arrive in austin sun evening and i'll gladly collect her and return her home. i've missed her these last few weeks but i know my sister has needed her more during this time. i'm glad my mom took the initiative to travel to be with her. i think we've all learned the importance of family and what it means to us throughout this summer: its a beautifully painful lesson.
but you know to me, being family goes back to:
Philippians 2:3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
placing the interests of those you love above yourself... and not just those you love but others...all others. sometimes hard to do.
i've recently engaged in a stark reminder of my past and have had to face head-on situations i'd been avoided for a really long time. but now is the time to face them...and its the perfect time.
that's how God works...everything in His perfect timing.
over the last couple of weeks, i've had some pretty significant conversations that made me realize how desperate in need we are of God and of fellowship with one another - not janky, flaky, "sure i'll be there then nothing kinda fellowship - but genuine i love you as my brother/sister and want to share this with you" kinda fellowship.
i've been avoiding that connection for a while. not with the people currently in my life but in terms of adding people to my life. i've wanted to be safe and comfortable and selective in whom i chose to be close to me in my life.
i realize that's not an option now and really never was...i only thought it was. no...we are all connected and in need of seeing that love is genuine, its real, and its unconditional. it takes such different forms and is extended in different ways. from praying for someone to just smiling and giving a genuine greeting. hard to believe that something as small as that could turn someone's day around but i can say from personal experience that it is sometimes the most powerful thing.
my attempts to shelter myself from the "fakers" of familiar circles was inept and i found myself being sucked away by a negativism that continually drained me of any optimism i managed to muster.
however, all it took was an invitation, an opportunity, and a yes to turn it all around. i found myself surrounded by real people facing real struggles but very much determined to love and be genuine. yes they have faults, yes they are imperfect...but they are striving and reaching towards a goal of eternity. dont each of us deserve to be given grace because grace was given to us? that's my question to my inner-self.
from that moment, the hardness i've carried with me has slowly deteriorated. i cant say its completely gone but i can say that as it dissolves there is a new resolve and a new hope that replaces it.
it is only fitting given being on the brink and cusp of something new. there are alot of variables still unresolved regarding my future and my path. i'm not unnerved by those questions, i know it will all work out in the perfect timing...
my job is to keep forging ahead listening to the voice that beckons. it is a fine hour to be in. sometimes scary and sometimes uncertain...but i trust in what cannot be seen.
i realize this may all be a bit heavy but given the context of life in the last few days it is so very appropriate. i realize i've not made you privy to all the sorted details but lets say that its not been pretty for some of the closest people in my life. i dont understand why these loved ones are going through what they are going through...but i trust that there's something more to their experience and through it God would be God.
from my own life tragedies and triumphs i can say i know that He is who He promises to be and no matter where we go or what we do, He will always be there because His love is never failing.
people will fail us...churches will fail us...loved ones will fail us...but His love is perfect and never failing. i''m so completely grateful.
i managed to get things squared away with my apt complex to be..though i will need to make a trip back on tues. so much traveling! i'm sad to be leaving my bro but know i will soon be here more permanently. i am so very much looking forward to seeing old friends and best friends.
definitely a time to celebrate so many wonderful things happening in so many peoples lives.
tomorrow or today rather, i drive to dallas. i get to see two of my best friends....so very excited about that...but will write more about those details tomorrow.
just to say that when you think you cant possible grow anymore...life has way of surprising you.
i had the greatest conversation with my bro today. he was telling me how on a drive he realized that God was the living water and how often times you can tell when an area has lots of rain because the grass will grow rampantly and will be green and lush. that when the rain comes we need to give thanks because with it comes new growth. its appropriate that we will face storms and God will see us through but through them...God gives us nourishment we need to grow as people. so no matter the weather tomorrow...i'm determined to thank God for His nourishment and growth.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
cucuy weather
the drive up went much faster than i thought it was going to. before i knew it i was in Tahoka! needless to say, i did not get on the open road at the hour i was hoping for. for some reason, i just couldnt get going today. i dont know if it was the whole i-need-to-pack or because i had so many errands that needed to be run but either way, i just didnt feel very productive today.
not to mention, my suitcase is a bag stuffed with cloths. i'm not even really sure what i brought...just chunked it in the bag! its apathy! lol. i'd like to believe its because of all the traveling i've done so far this summer. dont get me wrong, i'm sooo looking forward to seeing friends and spending time with people i love dearly...but packing and putting gasoline in the vehicle are not my favorite things to do.
not to mention that this trip is a trip with a mission. the mission part gets taken care of first so that i can enjoy the rest of the travels. maybe, i'd enjoy it more if someone was along with me...but this trip i'm flying solo. ok so the plan is to stay in lbk till thurs then drive to dallas - staying with friends there, then driving to austin - visiting some friends - picking up my mom in austin and driving back home. i should be gone about a week.
the next round of trips starts the following friday with a drive down to san antonio. my extended family with join me sat night and we'll follow each other down to galveston/kemah on sun morning. i'll be in the houston area until tues morning and we'll drive back to west texas via round rock and a short stop at the outlet mall....we shall see just how short that stop is!
i'm trying to convince my mom to make that trip with us cause she seriously needs a vacation. i know she's got lots to do when she gets back but she's not had a real, real vacation and i think she deserves a chance to sit and relax. so we'll see....i get back tues night and leave to lubbock that friday morning as in moving into my new apt travel.
bittersweet.
i didnt expect the summer to go so quickly. but here we are nearing my bday! oh yeah..throw that in for good measure. i'm here in LBK to celebrate my bro's 30th bday. not sure how we're gonna do it up...but i'm here to insure he has a great one. you only turn 30 once.
i thought i was going to encounter some cucuy weather driving down but thank you Jesus i missed it all. just had some water on the road way outside of Tahoka...had to slow it down to get through that part of the road but other than that...it was a nice overcast kinda drive.
i'm waiting on my bro to get dressed and then we're headed out for either dinner and a movie or a movie then dinner...or just dinner...no idea what. i'm glad to be here.
tomorrow's order of business. i have to drop by the grad school to take care of some stuff. other than that, its celebration city! Lol. hope you are all having a great summer. i managed to break out the ole skool summer jams. definitely brought back some great summer memories!
not to mention, my suitcase is a bag stuffed with cloths. i'm not even really sure what i brought...just chunked it in the bag! its apathy! lol. i'd like to believe its because of all the traveling i've done so far this summer. dont get me wrong, i'm sooo looking forward to seeing friends and spending time with people i love dearly...but packing and putting gasoline in the vehicle are not my favorite things to do.
not to mention that this trip is a trip with a mission. the mission part gets taken care of first so that i can enjoy the rest of the travels. maybe, i'd enjoy it more if someone was along with me...but this trip i'm flying solo. ok so the plan is to stay in lbk till thurs then drive to dallas - staying with friends there, then driving to austin - visiting some friends - picking up my mom in austin and driving back home. i should be gone about a week.
the next round of trips starts the following friday with a drive down to san antonio. my extended family with join me sat night and we'll follow each other down to galveston/kemah on sun morning. i'll be in the houston area until tues morning and we'll drive back to west texas via round rock and a short stop at the outlet mall....we shall see just how short that stop is!
i'm trying to convince my mom to make that trip with us cause she seriously needs a vacation. i know she's got lots to do when she gets back but she's not had a real, real vacation and i think she deserves a chance to sit and relax. so we'll see....i get back tues night and leave to lubbock that friday morning as in moving into my new apt travel.
bittersweet.
i didnt expect the summer to go so quickly. but here we are nearing my bday! oh yeah..throw that in for good measure. i'm here in LBK to celebrate my bro's 30th bday. not sure how we're gonna do it up...but i'm here to insure he has a great one. you only turn 30 once.
i thought i was going to encounter some cucuy weather driving down but thank you Jesus i missed it all. just had some water on the road way outside of Tahoka...had to slow it down to get through that part of the road but other than that...it was a nice overcast kinda drive.
i'm waiting on my bro to get dressed and then we're headed out for either dinner and a movie or a movie then dinner...or just dinner...no idea what. i'm glad to be here.
tomorrow's order of business. i have to drop by the grad school to take care of some stuff. other than that, its celebration city! Lol. hope you are all having a great summer. i managed to break out the ole skool summer jams. definitely brought back some great summer memories!
Friday, July 17, 2009
peculiar place part 2
ok so i'm back from devo.
actually, i packed up most of my stuff as we're leaving no later than 7:15 am. hard to believe that the week has come and gone but a successful one it was. i'm glad my dad invited me. i've been blessed beyond measure by fellowship and learned more than i could imagine possible from these folks.
the group is a mix of 40 older, mid, and young adults along with a small child. so i got to interact with folks in a wide range of age. i can say that i have met some really amazing people who just blessed me in different ways each.
i'm also glad for the time i've gotten to spend with my dad. i love that man dearly...
we drive home tomorrow which is about a 7-8 hr drive for us. didnt realize that we were that far away from home!
i'm glad for our devotional times. i've heard God speak loudly and clearly as moments and conversations i've had in my life over the last few months are being tied to a purpose. utterly profound is all i can say about the whole thing because it really is indescribable.
it is a new season. one that i'm both glad and terrified of. i say terrified in the most positive manner possible! but i know that this is what i've been waiting for. so i embrace it even with trembling arms.
it has been a journey for sure and i'm certain that this mission trip has been a necessary part of that journey.
the next part of this journey includes the big move to LBK!
given the other set of news i received this week which threw me for a loop...i wasnt quite sure what i was going to do. everything has gone according to plan with the exception of law school and a scholarship which i was told i was virtually guaranteed to receive. uhmmmm yeah, didnt happen and that threw my plans into overdrive.
"not your plans, my plans..." - i was reminded. i realized in that moment that i'd surrendered those dreams and plans and that i very well couldnt just take them back. so i responded, "i know you've got only the very best planned for me and that what is meant to be will as it was destined before time began."
i can't say i wasnt disappointed because i was and i fear that some choices i made in the past are creeping back to haunt me (you reap what you sow). i thought to myself, "am i ever going to get over past decisions?" but here's the deal, that's part of adulthood - dealing with the choices we make the consequences that follow. i knew what i was facing, knew the challenges that lay ahead. the difference is that now i'm at that place where rubber meets the road.
i talked with my dad about it while we were driving back to our "lodging" yesterday. he reminded me that nothing is in vain and there were other solutions to the problem and i just had to trust that God would work them out. doesnt mean there isnt work (and alot of hard work at that) to do on my part and so next week will find me Lubbock exploring some possiblities.
since i didnt get the scholarship I was hoping for....i now need to work at least part-time. if i dont work part-time, it makes my budget for the next year really,really tight. i trusted and continue to trust these things would work themselves out.
i've applied for several jobs in LBK but have not had any success and even in that i thought, Jesus has this under His control too. so i told my dad (jokingly) if no other type job opportunities pan out in lubbock at the very least, i could possibly work in sheet rocking! however, that might not be necessary! thank you JESUS! i got a call today to set up a time for an interview. my bro forwarded my resume to one of his contacts and there we are!
I had reasoned if i got the scholarship then i'd have to go to school full-time (its a requirement) and then could only work part-time but now i'm not "required" to go full-time - so i could potential go part-time which would allow me to stay under the max hour limit in order to matriculate into the joint JD/MBA program next fall.
brings me to the next part....i re-take the LSAT in Sept and am applying for early admissions to Tech law in hopes to marticulate into the joint program in the fall of 2010. if i dont get early acceptence, then i'll finish up my MBA at Tech and look at other options for law school.
the whole issue is dealing with finances which is really dumb. because if i believe God to be who i profess Him to be then i should fully trust that He'll provide all the resources i need. but that's been the question for me. is this really what God wants for me or has planned for my life? i was so completely certain months ago and now it seems like maybe not?
i want to be smart about financing my education as there's a long road ahead of me. i've done extensive research regarding the costs of varying law schools and have a list of top schools that are both reputable, have great bar passing rates, and won't be so damaging to my pocket book upon graduation. the main point is the longer i'm in school, the more costly it becomes....so i've been looking at how can i get through this process as quickly as possible?
at this point, i have no clue how long i'll be in lubbock other than at least a year per my apt lease. for the moment, the focus is an MBA for grad school...that's all i know and won't know much more until sometime around Dec (when I receive an acceptance or rejection letter).
i need to visit with a law school admissions counselor to talk in depth about the strength of my application and also visit with an MBA advisor regarding some waivers that i need to register for class...so i'll be spending a few days in lubbock this coming week.
there's also the stuff going on with my sister and her family. her husband is really sick and of course that would affect the family. my mom is with her now in Indiana and we're not sure when she's coming back. there have been a slew of events occur there...so please just pray for them...they're on my heart 24-7. i really miss my nephews and my sister!it would be nice if they lived closer.
i decided to write about our devo's for the last few days in a separate blog. working on them and will post sometime tomorrow evening. will be glad to be home and not living out of a suitcase! however, with the last few trips on the books...i have a bit more suitcase time coming.
my thoughts for the moment..
uncertainty definitely puts your faith to the test. while there is alot of uncertainty, i can say that i'm at peace. sure the wrench thrown into the plans kinda jolt me and sometimes move me into overdrive...but it would not be my life if it happened any other way. trials and problems have a way of testing and refining us as people and as believers.
but more importantly the what, when, where, and how's aren't as important as the FOR WHO
actually, i packed up most of my stuff as we're leaving no later than 7:15 am. hard to believe that the week has come and gone but a successful one it was. i'm glad my dad invited me. i've been blessed beyond measure by fellowship and learned more than i could imagine possible from these folks.
the group is a mix of 40 older, mid, and young adults along with a small child. so i got to interact with folks in a wide range of age. i can say that i have met some really amazing people who just blessed me in different ways each.
i'm also glad for the time i've gotten to spend with my dad. i love that man dearly...
we drive home tomorrow which is about a 7-8 hr drive for us. didnt realize that we were that far away from home!
i'm glad for our devotional times. i've heard God speak loudly and clearly as moments and conversations i've had in my life over the last few months are being tied to a purpose. utterly profound is all i can say about the whole thing because it really is indescribable.
it is a new season. one that i'm both glad and terrified of. i say terrified in the most positive manner possible! but i know that this is what i've been waiting for. so i embrace it even with trembling arms.
it has been a journey for sure and i'm certain that this mission trip has been a necessary part of that journey.
the next part of this journey includes the big move to LBK!
given the other set of news i received this week which threw me for a loop...i wasnt quite sure what i was going to do. everything has gone according to plan with the exception of law school and a scholarship which i was told i was virtually guaranteed to receive. uhmmmm yeah, didnt happen and that threw my plans into overdrive.
"not your plans, my plans..." - i was reminded. i realized in that moment that i'd surrendered those dreams and plans and that i very well couldnt just take them back. so i responded, "i know you've got only the very best planned for me and that what is meant to be will as it was destined before time began."
i can't say i wasnt disappointed because i was and i fear that some choices i made in the past are creeping back to haunt me (you reap what you sow). i thought to myself, "am i ever going to get over past decisions?" but here's the deal, that's part of adulthood - dealing with the choices we make the consequences that follow. i knew what i was facing, knew the challenges that lay ahead. the difference is that now i'm at that place where rubber meets the road.
i talked with my dad about it while we were driving back to our "lodging" yesterday. he reminded me that nothing is in vain and there were other solutions to the problem and i just had to trust that God would work them out. doesnt mean there isnt work (and alot of hard work at that) to do on my part and so next week will find me Lubbock exploring some possiblities.
since i didnt get the scholarship I was hoping for....i now need to work at least part-time. if i dont work part-time, it makes my budget for the next year really,really tight. i trusted and continue to trust these things would work themselves out.
i've applied for several jobs in LBK but have not had any success and even in that i thought, Jesus has this under His control too. so i told my dad (jokingly) if no other type job opportunities pan out in lubbock at the very least, i could possibly work in sheet rocking! however, that might not be necessary! thank you JESUS! i got a call today to set up a time for an interview. my bro forwarded my resume to one of his contacts and there we are!
I had reasoned if i got the scholarship then i'd have to go to school full-time (its a requirement) and then could only work part-time but now i'm not "required" to go full-time - so i could potential go part-time which would allow me to stay under the max hour limit in order to matriculate into the joint JD/MBA program next fall.
brings me to the next part....i re-take the LSAT in Sept and am applying for early admissions to Tech law in hopes to marticulate into the joint program in the fall of 2010. if i dont get early acceptence, then i'll finish up my MBA at Tech and look at other options for law school.
the whole issue is dealing with finances which is really dumb. because if i believe God to be who i profess Him to be then i should fully trust that He'll provide all the resources i need. but that's been the question for me. is this really what God wants for me or has planned for my life? i was so completely certain months ago and now it seems like maybe not?
i want to be smart about financing my education as there's a long road ahead of me. i've done extensive research regarding the costs of varying law schools and have a list of top schools that are both reputable, have great bar passing rates, and won't be so damaging to my pocket book upon graduation. the main point is the longer i'm in school, the more costly it becomes....so i've been looking at how can i get through this process as quickly as possible?
at this point, i have no clue how long i'll be in lubbock other than at least a year per my apt lease. for the moment, the focus is an MBA for grad school...that's all i know and won't know much more until sometime around Dec (when I receive an acceptance or rejection letter).
i need to visit with a law school admissions counselor to talk in depth about the strength of my application and also visit with an MBA advisor regarding some waivers that i need to register for class...so i'll be spending a few days in lubbock this coming week.
there's also the stuff going on with my sister and her family. her husband is really sick and of course that would affect the family. my mom is with her now in Indiana and we're not sure when she's coming back. there have been a slew of events occur there...so please just pray for them...they're on my heart 24-7. i really miss my nephews and my sister!it would be nice if they lived closer.
i decided to write about our devo's for the last few days in a separate blog. working on them and will post sometime tomorrow evening. will be glad to be home and not living out of a suitcase! however, with the last few trips on the books...i have a bit more suitcase time coming.
my thoughts for the moment..
uncertainty definitely puts your faith to the test. while there is alot of uncertainty, i can say that i'm at peace. sure the wrench thrown into the plans kinda jolt me and sometimes move me into overdrive...but it would not be my life if it happened any other way. trials and problems have a way of testing and refining us as people and as believers.
but more importantly the what, when, where, and how's aren't as important as the FOR WHO
peculiar place
i thought i'd write this blog before i go lead worship. an odd activity to do but i feel the need to get this out there...so here we go.
this week has been an odd mixture of hard work, pain and suffering (from heat and dehydration!), to beautiful fellowship, unexpected disappointments, strange phone calls, change in plans, and sudden emergencies.
it has been all over the place.
despite all the obvious distrations...we came here on a mission and we've accomplished it. something to be celebrated tonight.
so leading worship, you may ask? yes i know. a bit surprised myself and i'm working out the internal conflict about it. lol. long long long story there (for another time and another place). music hasnt been something really prevalent in my life as of late. for lots of reasons and none that are terrible or scandalous as some might assume.
no...i've been focused on finishing and completing goals and tasks...so that means less time for the things i love so much like music. but its good to be back to what i love. seriously...
ok gonna have to finish this another time...
i need to spend some time with the Master...will finish this when devo is over....lots to share.
this week has been an odd mixture of hard work, pain and suffering (from heat and dehydration!), to beautiful fellowship, unexpected disappointments, strange phone calls, change in plans, and sudden emergencies.
it has been all over the place.
despite all the obvious distrations...we came here on a mission and we've accomplished it. something to be celebrated tonight.
so leading worship, you may ask? yes i know. a bit surprised myself and i'm working out the internal conflict about it. lol. long long long story there (for another time and another place). music hasnt been something really prevalent in my life as of late. for lots of reasons and none that are terrible or scandalous as some might assume.
no...i've been focused on finishing and completing goals and tasks...so that means less time for the things i love so much like music. but its good to be back to what i love. seriously...
ok gonna have to finish this another time...
i need to spend some time with the Master...will finish this when devo is over....lots to share.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
when my heart cires out all it can say
Jesus (the way) Jaci Velasquez
Often, I am taken by the World
It sneaks up on me
But, eventually, You draw me back
To form this clay into a masterpiece
Oh, in spite of meYou see beauty
(Chorus)
And Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
Your mercy’s new every day
When my heart cries out
All it can say is
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
You direct the path that seems astray
Assuring us that we will find the way
Help us find the way
Often I am shaken by your love
Oh it releases me
From the bondage of my sin
And through the crossadopted by your grace
You’ll never turn your face
Never turn your face
that's kinda where my heart is today.
won't go into alot of detail but lots going on with our group. all i can say is that i'm praying for God to be God. i know what He's capable of, know who He is and know that He can make possible the impossible because that's who He is. i wont go into alot of detail but i have to say that despite all the things going on there are some really great things happening to.
tomorrow we sheet rock a house. we took a visit this evening and i was completely shocked by the amount of debris outside the front door. really spoke to my heart that people are still displaced a year later. i'm glad that we are able to be a part of this and just feeling really blessed by the whole summer's experience.
i'm up early tomorrow so i'll post about our devotionals then. my thoughts might be a bit clearer by then too!
so blessed to be here now...
Often, I am taken by the World
It sneaks up on me
But, eventually, You draw me back
To form this clay into a masterpiece
Oh, in spite of meYou see beauty
(Chorus)
And Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
Your mercy’s new every day
When my heart cries out
All it can say is
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
You direct the path that seems astray
Assuring us that we will find the way
Help us find the way
Often I am shaken by your love
Oh it releases me
From the bondage of my sin
And through the crossadopted by your grace
You’ll never turn your face
Never turn your face
that's kinda where my heart is today.
won't go into alot of detail but lots going on with our group. all i can say is that i'm praying for God to be God. i know what He's capable of, know who He is and know that He can make possible the impossible because that's who He is. i wont go into alot of detail but i have to say that despite all the things going on there are some really great things happening to.
tomorrow we sheet rock a house. we took a visit this evening and i was completely shocked by the amount of debris outside the front door. really spoke to my heart that people are still displaced a year later. i'm glad that we are able to be a part of this and just feeling really blessed by the whole summer's experience.
i'm up early tomorrow so i'll post about our devotionals then. my thoughts might be a bit clearer by then too!
so blessed to be here now...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
