crazy times

today my baby bro turned 30. the big 3-0...i was like, "where has time gone?" i remember just like it was yesterday playing in the backyard riding our bikes or eating holiday cookies. now, he's grown folk with a house of his very own. i have to say that i'm super proud of this kid. he's done quite well for himself and not just in the material sense but spiritually - i've seen alot of growth in him and am glad for the time we got to share together to celebrate this occassion.

so the drama of the day kept mounting...and culminated in some drastic actions. i cant get into details and it would not be very nice of me to do so - just to say that i became very angry by some things that were done and said. not angry for myself but angry for the injustices done to people i love. i'm a bit territorial that way.

had to pray more than once to keep from doing what my heart really wanted to do and keep my tongue from saying what it really wanted to say. i totally get what paul said about the things "he wants to do he does not do and the things he does not want to do, he does...'

i'll be glad for the drive tomorrow as it gives me an opportunity to sort through some things and pray heavily for some situations. one of those would include my mom's travel back to texas. i'll leave it at that - even though i'd really like to say more. oh jesus help me! no....

my mom will arrive in austin sun evening and i'll gladly collect her and return her home. i've missed her these last few weeks but i know my sister has needed her more during this time. i'm glad my mom took the initiative to travel to be with her. i think we've all learned the importance of family and what it means to us throughout this summer: its a beautifully painful lesson.

but you know to me, being family goes back to:

Philippians 2:3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

placing the interests of those you love above yourself... and not just those you love but others...all others. sometimes hard to do.

i've recently engaged in a stark reminder of my past and have had to face head-on situations i'd been avoided for a really long time. but now is the time to face them...and its the perfect time.

that's how God works...everything in His perfect timing.

over the last couple of weeks, i've had some pretty significant conversations that made me realize how desperate in need we are of God and of fellowship with one another - not janky, flaky, "sure i'll be there then nothing kinda fellowship - but genuine i love you as my brother/sister and want to share this with you" kinda fellowship.

i've been avoiding that connection for a while. not with the people currently in my life but in terms of adding people to my life. i've wanted to be safe and comfortable and selective in whom i chose to be close to me in my life.

i realize that's not an option now and really never was...i only thought it was. no...we are all connected and in need of seeing that love is genuine, its real, and its unconditional. it takes such different forms and is extended in different ways. from praying for someone to just smiling and giving a genuine greeting. hard to believe that something as small as that could turn someone's day around but i can say from personal experience that it is sometimes the most powerful thing.

my attempts to shelter myself from the "fakers" of familiar circles was inept and i found myself being sucked away by a negativism that continually drained me of any optimism i managed to muster.

however, all it took was an invitation, an opportunity, and a yes to turn it all around. i found myself surrounded by real people facing real struggles but very much determined to love and be genuine. yes they have faults, yes they are imperfect...but they are striving and reaching towards a goal of eternity. dont each of us deserve to be given grace because grace was given to us? that's my question to my inner-self.

from that moment, the hardness i've carried with me has slowly deteriorated. i cant say its completely gone but i can say that as it dissolves there is a new resolve and a new hope that replaces it.

it is only fitting given being on the brink and cusp of something new. there are alot of variables still unresolved regarding my future and my path. i'm not unnerved by those questions, i know it will all work out in the perfect timing...

my job is to keep forging ahead listening to the voice that beckons. it is a fine hour to be in. sometimes scary and sometimes uncertain...but i trust in what cannot be seen.

i realize this may all be a bit heavy but given the context of life in the last few days it is so very appropriate. i realize i've not made you privy to all the sorted details but lets say that its not been pretty for some of the closest people in my life. i dont understand why these loved ones are going through what they are going through...but i trust that there's something more to their experience and through it God would be God.

from my own life tragedies and triumphs i can say i know that He is who He promises to be and no matter where we go or what we do, He will always be there because His love is never failing.

people will fail us...churches will fail us...loved ones will fail us...but His love is perfect and never failing. i''m so completely grateful.

i managed to get things squared away with my apt complex to be..though i will need to make a trip back on tues. so much traveling! i'm sad to be leaving my bro but know i will soon be here more permanently. i am so very much looking forward to seeing old friends and best friends.

definitely a time to celebrate so many wonderful things happening in so many peoples lives.

tomorrow or today rather, i drive to dallas. i get to see two of my best friends....so very excited about that...but will write more about those details tomorrow.

just to say that when you think you cant possible grow anymore...life has way of surprising you.

i had the greatest conversation with my bro today. he was telling me how on a drive he realized that God was the living water and how often times you can tell when an area has lots of rain because the grass will grow rampantly and will be green and lush. that when the rain comes we need to give thanks because with it comes new growth. its appropriate that we will face storms and God will see us through but through them...God gives us nourishment we need to grow as people. so no matter the weather tomorrow...i'm determined to thank God for His nourishment and growth.